Is communication the root of all evil?

Normally I'm a sworn skeptic to anything proclaiming to be relationship advice on Huffington Post, but this time I was pleasantly surprised! I came across this article and I thought "This guy knows what's up!" Turns out he's a clinical psychologist who specializes in marriage and family relationships.

He discusses how the inability to communicate is often blamed as one of the primary causes of relationship break down. The point that he makes is that often times, there are things looming around that cause the bad communication in the first place, and he's totally right, but there's a piece of research done by Dr. John Gottman that I think is really important to note here called accepting influence.

Dr. Flanagan touches on it a little bit in his article, but doesn't totally tie it together. Basically couples inevitably have complaints within relationships, and when concerns are brought up, the manner in which partners respond says a lot about the relationship. This is where Flanagan's principles of shame, ego, power and empathy come in. There are three ways partners can respond to requests - they can turn away from their partner, toward them, or against them. The only one of these responses that is related to positive outcomes is turning toward a partner - seeking to understand their point of view and either changing, or working out a compromise.

This is especially important for husbands. Research shows that women tend to bring a larger amount of complaints to the table, and the more often they are met with understanding and empathy, the more likely a relationship is to survive. As Gottman explains it, responding any other way is "simply winning the battle, but losing the war."

Families are the ultimate institution to teach us selflessness and sacrifice, and as the research shows us over and over again, sacrificing our own ego and wants in a relationship to respond selflessly to a spouse are what opens up communication, and allows resolution and healing to take place in times of conflict. So yes, as Flanagan explains in his article, marital communication " like the kid who fights back on the playground...He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught." Next time communication seems to be in a bit of a rut, try running through another checklist:

• Ego
• Power
• Shame
• Empathy