How to Win Friends and Influence People?
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People?
Nope, Covey and Carnegie couldn't even compete when it came to John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. According to CNN it's sold over 50 million copies world wide (pretty rare for a self-help book) and is considered the #1 best-selling piece of non-fiction from the 1990's. Kind of impressive.
Seven Habits of Highly Effective People?
Nope, Covey and Carnegie couldn't even compete when it came to John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. According to CNN it's sold over 50 million copies world wide (pretty rare for a self-help book) and is considered the #1 best-selling piece of non-fiction from the 1990's. Kind of impressive.
It would be more impressive if his claims had legitimate social science backing, but that's fine. However you get your cash money right?
If you've never heard of it before this moment then that means you're super young, but even then you can pretty much guess the premise. You've probably even had experiences that point to the validity of his claims. We've all been to that point in a relationship when we wonder if we're dating someone who even speaks the same language as us, and we blame it on the 'ol gender differences.
However, when we actually look at the differences between men and women, we find that the only behavioral difference that actually exists (statistically speaking) is women's exceptional ability to have and display empathy for others. In every other category - including aggression, self-disclosure, desire for emotional support, and assertiveness - the differences are minute.
As far as Gray's claim that men and women need different things from relationships, a 2006 article published by Dr. Jason Carroll outlined a relationship quality prediction model, which had a 65% prediction rate for women, and 67% for men. Statistically, that's gold. What he found was that the combination of 3 factors contributed to happy relationships for both men and women. What are they? Effective negotiation (i.e. problem solving, conflict resolution, listening), Other-centeredness (i.e. forgiveness, kindness, sacrifice) and personal security (i.e. self-worth, personality characteristics).
When these categories are broken down into their individual couple processes (forgiveness, problem solving, etc.) we find two major differences between men and women - women are more likely to claim "relationship satisfaction" in the presence of positive elements such as partner's displays of kindness and sacrifice, and men are more likely to feel satisfied in their relationship in the absence of negative. These are important differences to understand in a relationship, but Gray's claims don't even come close to expressing this notion in his book.
Finally, in an article published by Reis and Carothers in 2012 assessed gender differences in both behavioral and psychological categories through 24 different variables including personality traits, sexual attitudes and behaviors, and measures of intimacy. They found not only found that men and women really aren't that different, but also that many of the complaints that happen between heterosexual couples are also found in gay and lesbian relationships.
So do men and women really have completely different emotional make-ups? According to repeat findings in the research, the answer is, "no." And I feel like Reis nailed it when he said, "Clearly, it's not so much sex, but human character that causes difficulties."
As far as Gray's claim that men and women need different things from relationships, a 2006 article published by Dr. Jason Carroll outlined a relationship quality prediction model, which had a 65% prediction rate for women, and 67% for men. Statistically, that's gold. What he found was that the combination of 3 factors contributed to happy relationships for both men and women. What are they? Effective negotiation (i.e. problem solving, conflict resolution, listening), Other-centeredness (i.e. forgiveness, kindness, sacrifice) and personal security (i.e. self-worth, personality characteristics).
When these categories are broken down into their individual couple processes (forgiveness, problem solving, etc.) we find two major differences between men and women - women are more likely to claim "relationship satisfaction" in the presence of positive elements such as partner's displays of kindness and sacrifice, and men are more likely to feel satisfied in their relationship in the absence of negative. These are important differences to understand in a relationship, but Gray's claims don't even come close to expressing this notion in his book.
Finally, in an article published by Reis and Carothers in 2012 assessed gender differences in both behavioral and psychological categories through 24 different variables including personality traits, sexual attitudes and behaviors, and measures of intimacy. They found not only found that men and women really aren't that different, but also that many of the complaints that happen between heterosexual couples are also found in gay and lesbian relationships.
So do men and women really have completely different emotional make-ups? According to repeat findings in the research, the answer is, "no." And I feel like Reis nailed it when he said, "Clearly, it's not so much sex, but human character that causes difficulties."
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